Am I Depressed?

So I’ve been thinking about writing a blog type thing as kind of a diary or in lieu of actually talking to someone so I figure why not chuck it out there on the internet for all to to see, I feel the sense of anonymity lifts that veil of fear of judgement, I mean, I don’t know you, you don’t know me so what can go wrong right?

Today is Friday the 21st of July, it is the day after Chester Bennington committed suicide, with July 20th being Chris Cornell’s birthday I can’t help but see some kind of connection. I was shocked yesterday, but today it really hurt, I spent most of last night trawling the internet and social media looking for an answer, a suicide note or something to tell me why he did it, I almost feel like I deserve an answer as to why he did what he did. Today I spent most of the morning in mourning, it really hit me alot harder than I feel it should, but maybe I should give you some back story about myself first.

Hybrid Theory came out when I was 14, I saved my pocket money up for about a month or so to buy it at my local music emporium, and it was an immediate need in my life after coming across “One Step Closer” on a music TV channel. Ninjas, green smoke, bright red hair, riffs, scratching and Chester screaming while hanging upside down, and that’s what that song did, it turned my world literally upside now. He had that venom behind the most harmonious of melody in that voice and it just resonated throughout me, add that up with hormones and the very real need to rebel and it was a match made in heaven.

Childhood was ok, but that’s another post after a bottle of whiskey. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t the worst by a long shot, but suffice to say tracks like “With You” and “Pushing Me Away” as songs that will stay with me forever, in fact that whole album from start to finish is literally lightening in a bottle, and no matter what kind of day I had, there’s a track on it for me and that’s still true to this day. I think that’s why I’m finding this so hard to deal with, maybe I’m hoping writing this with be cathartic or help with other aspects of my life. I guess that I just feel kind of let down, I mean this guys lyrics literally have a section of my memory dedicated to the first 2 albums and for them to help me so much but for him to still be able to check out feels almost like I’ve been cheated, like it’s a fabrication to prey on emotional and angry teenagers and it was lyrically designed to just be generic to appeal to anyone who’s held a straight razor in their hand and wondered what the next step is… well that was anger part of the grieving process.

He was my emotional rock, his music was a pillar of strength in an everlasting hour of need, and he has the gall to just up and leave? It astounds me, I know he lives in on in the words he wrote, but if he did, then why didn’t it help him in the 17 odd years of performing the songs, if he can help so many, why didn’t it help him? and if he can go just like that, then can I? I mean I’m fairly stable, I have a loving girlfriend, we have a loving home, but in the last year or 18 months I really can’t seem to escape that feeling of impending doom.

I suffer with anxiety attacks, now interestingly enough this revolves around sport, rugby, football or any team sports really, and it’s the build up to the game, or thinking about playing or replaying the game in my head afterwards, do you ever sit and think oh I should have done that? Or if I’da done this a bit differently or reliving and exact moment in a game. Now for most it’s the most exciting part, for me, it’s nearly killed me a few times whilst driving, I kind of get close to blacking out, like the edges of my vision get smaller and smaller and… it’s hard to describe that feeling, everything shakes a bit like when your low on sugar and my heart beats out of my chest slow and hard and time just grinds to halt for what feels like 30 or 40 of the longest seconds in history and then when I realise what I’m doing to myself I just turn the music up and disappear back into reality. But again ill save anxiety for another post.

The point that got me here is the genuine struggle to understand the metaphorical demons around all of the famous personal psychological battles that the minority of us face on a day to day basis, I wouldn’t consider myself in too deep with any of these, but I am becoming very self aware of these things in my characteristics and conversations I have with myself, for example, WW3 is looming over our heads and I was thinking to myself how horrific it would be, would I go and fight? Would I be a conscientious objector? Would I just top myself? Should I just get it over with now? I mean I’m only 30, I think maybe I just need to not think as much, but I would consider myself quite an over-thinker, that need to know, and to understand, which I guess is one of the many reason today has sucked.

I think I just struggle with the unknown, Chester has always been and will continue to be a massive psychological outlet that I’ve retained from my adolescence, but now he’s gone via the very same route he saved me from, where does that leave me?

 

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